TEACH ME TO LET GO

I wish I could learn to let go.

Blame it strong memory and intensified emotional bliss, I find it difficult to simply let go. With enemies or people who have done me wrong in the most painful way, you can never expect me to forget. Maybe I'm being protective of myself while at the same time trusting too much. Ironic perhaps, but let's put it this way - I trust, I get hurt, then I protect myself. It's a process I've lived up to. Mental.

Sadly too, I find it difficult to let go of the things I've gotten used to. As a matter of fact, I try my best to keep a solid facade, but deep down, it devastates me. I'm crushed. Its hard to see people changing around you, and you can't do anything about it because - for one, they have their own lives to live, and second, who am I to force myself into their beautiful lives. I know partly, I have myself to blame too.

I have come to a disposition in life where I desist changing my views and beliefs for other people, to please them, to make amends just so I can still be part of the circle. I have come to that sense of individualism, the same way that people around me don't change for me.

However, the process hurts me. I slowly find myself alone most of the time, eating dinners and watching movies in places where I used to be with people around me. I'm alone because I don't like being in the new places my friends now like, or the people they've become friends with. I'm alone because I don't attend the parties they've been invited to and I wasn't, even if they insist that I go because it's "given" or "everybody's going to be there". Is it self-respect or is it some form of mental illness? Is it being righteous or is it being anti-social?

Whatever it is, it has left me with two options: to stand firm for who I am, or to drop my principles and just go with whatever flow that will stop people from thinking I'm being maarte. So far, I've chosen the former which forced me to say "the way we were" instead of "the way we are", and left "me" from being "we".

So I'm letting go - trying to let go. Only, I don't know if things will be better for me. I feel as though I'm slowly disintegrating, like a shadow slowly walking into the light. Then again, with a hint of hope, perhaps, by walking into the light will I find myself, maybe a new set of friends, or a better world.

Teach me to let go.